I thought I could put these feelings past me. It has been 7-years and he can still make me feel so weak in the knees, so vulnerable. Eric brings out this side of me, that I have always tried to overlook. He’s the only man that could ever make me feel so angry, he’s the only one that can make me lash out like I did.
I had gotten home a little late tonight. I was honestly hoping that Eric and I could come to a compromise. But, it was all for nothing. I didn’t want to make this so big by calling in a lawyer, but Eric was pushing me towards that point.
My heart felt like it was about to leap out of my chest. I turned over to my side, staring at the digital clock on the nightstand. I could feel the tears flow down so freely out of my eyes.
How could he just throw hurtful things at me?
I buried my face into my pillow, trying to calm down. I knew it wasn’t his fault for lashing out either. Eric had a point. I left without warning, I should have at least brought up the subject but I was so scared at the time, I was scared of everything happening at the time so I ran away.
What startled me the most tonight was that he had been faithful for 7-years. Never once had he slept with a woman or much less dated her. I had dated Preston, agreed to marry him but I had never slept with him.
I hadn’t slept with a man in over 7-years either. I had met Preston over a year ago and we hit it off pretty well, and before that there was no one else.
I sighed, remembering the things that had drove me away from Eric.
We argued so much, he was always putting his work before me. He would often leave me alone for a few days, come back and then leave on another business trip. I was always alone.
No matter how much I brought the subject out, he always told me he couldn’t ignore his job, just like I couldn’t ignore my career in college.
He put his job before our marriage, and when he told me back then that he didn’t want any children, was the day he was leaving for Sweden for a business trip. I remembered arguing with him
I was already pregnant, and I had no idea what to do. But I had resolved myself that I would keep my child, regardless if Eric wanted it or not, and he would just have to live with that decision. If he wanted to leave me he could, I could care less because I wasn’t about to give up on my child at the time. I knew then that I was going to tell him, after he came back from his trip.
When he left, I had a car accident. I lost my baby, and then the Doctors came and told me then, that I would never be able to have any more children. I think this was my final straw.
I had blamed Eric, I put the blame on him because he left when I needed him, he wasn’t there. He was never there when I needed him. I thought he had gotten his wish at the time, I wouldn’t be able to have children, and he would be happy.
I even told everyone to stay quiet, and to this day these people would take that secret to their grave.
I shouldn’t keep Eric in the dark about my own insecurities or about that pregnancy. He deserves to know. The things that drove us apart, was because we were both to blame, and I am the biggest blame factor in the equation. I wasn’t honest with him and to be quite frank we needed to be more open to each other as a married couple.
Sometimes I wondered what my child would look like now. I had a feeling I would have a girl, a beautiful blue eyed, blond haired little girl that would be full of sunshine, love and smiles. A little girl that would steal her father’s heart, and have him wrapped around her little finger.
I held on tightly to the necklace that I had gotten in memory of her, and I began to cry even more.
I needed to throw everything out in the open, before I divorced him. I know now, that Eric needs to know everything, I can’t keep being childish and stubborn about this. Maybe he wouldn’t grieve with me, but I just needed to let him know. It was the one last thing I could do properly for him as his wife.
By the next day, I realized that I had slept in the entire day. Gran didn’t wake me, though I wish she had. I really wanted to speak with my lawyer today so I could see to taking Eric to court if it were possible. But then I realized that maybe once I told Eric the truth, he would let me go. I mean who would want to be with a woman that couldn’t even take care of her own child right?
It was 3pm, and right after I was done brushing my teeth and getting properly dressed, I ended up going down the stairs to spend the rest of my remaining afternoon with Gran. Right when the evening came around, I ended up changing and heading out to Merlotte’s.
It was a Friday night, and this little bar and grill hadn’t changed much. People were still as lively as ever. Playing pool, eating out with their families, or hanging out with friends getting drunk, and then there was Eric playing pool and having a good time.
I froze when my eyes landed on Eric.
I wasn’t expecting him here, I was intending on talking to him, but I didn’t want to meet him like this. Only our close friends knew of our situation, the rest of the people of Bon temp had no clue that Eric and I hadn’t been together for over 7-years and I didn’t plan on them finding out. These people were downright dirty and cruel when it came to their gossip and I wasn’t going to have any of it.
Eric looked up at me, from his place and gave me a quick nod. Before I headed on over to him, Arlene had come up to me.
“Sookie! Finally decided to visit us poor folks, eh?” She spoke to me in a tone a voice that I did not like. She sounded like she was envious and she sounded like she was trying to find some kind of flaw in me in order to point it out and exploit it, with the way she was scrutinizing me.
“Yeah, sorry…Eric and I have been busy.” I lied. She looked me over, trying to find something else to say, but before she even could I left her behind and headed towards the bar to order myself a drink..or a few.
My friends had welcomed me back with open arms. Sam and Lala gave me a huge hug, and I welcomed it. I had missed them so much. I couldn’t see Tara, because apparently she had moved down to Florida with her husband, JB. So it was just these two guys, not that I was complaining. I loved them like family, and I had missed them greatly when I was away.
My return was not only noticed by my two precious friends, but the rest of Bon Temp did. These people bombarded me with questions, uncomfortable questions, like how rich I was, why I never visited, was I still married to Eric, and if I had any children. The last one got to me though, too many asked me about children, and it was getting tiresome trying to explain why I had no children. Discussing children was never one of my greatest topics of conversation. Maybe I’d feel comfortable enough to talk about it once or twice, but too many more times was enough. Maybe I never really got over it, maybe I should have gone to a therapist to help me sort out my life and my feelings but I never did.
“Look at her, that Stackhouse girl probably married that guy for his money.” I heard Maxine say. But I chose to ignore her. Maxine was always trying to bully someone. Never kept her mouth shut that one.
“Hmph. You can say that again. I bet she got kids somewhere. Probably using her kids to get money outta her Husband, look at her. I feel sorry for her kids for having a crazy mom like Sookie. Poor husband of hers, didn’t know what he was marrying into.”
I was on auto when I got up from my booth, dumped my drink over Arlene’s head and slapped her across the face.
I had been trying to control my emotions, but I could only take so much. But she touched a really sensitive topic.
“I’m not you, Arlene. I have morals, and I don’t have children because your crazy, lousy, good for nothing husband killed my baby, when he decided to get into a car when he was drunk. So take your shitty morals elsewhere Arlene!”
That night of the car accident, was one of the worst in my life. The driver that hit my car was none other than Rene himself, Arlene’s husband, and he was pretty damn drunk to be driving a car. He hit my car and came out just fine, but at the cost of my own child. Of course I held resentment towards him and Arlene.
Arlene has her own kids and her husband and she’s such a shitty person, sometimes I wonder why people like her get to have the privilege of being parents, when there’s me who lost that right years ago. I had done nothing wrong, I was a good person and a damned good Christian too. But in the end I got the short end of the stick.
Of course my anger was also fueled by the alcohol.
“Unlike you, I at least knew who the father of my child was, instead of pushing them down on someone else. I don’t take advantage of men like you. So you can fuck off.”
Merlotte’s had gone quiet. My breathing was heavy and ragged, and I could feel an anxiety attack coming on. I haven’t had one in a long time, I had nearly forgotten what they felt like. I turned my head, and I looked at Eric, who was staring at me wide eyed. I wish he didn’t find out about this, like this. I usually never snapped at anyone, let alone Arlene, but I did.
And I fell down to my knees, trying to control myself. I felt like a fish out of water and then…I blacked out.
Like every other day I usually slept in.
I woke up late, around 3PM. I lounged around for a while on my couch, catching up on the last few episodes of Game of Thrones, and once I was done with that, it was already time to head out into Bon Temp. Lafayette had invited me over for a game of pool and who was I to deny that? It had been a long time since I had visited Bon Temp, and a while since I was in Merlottes. I also decided to go because Sookie was most likely going to be there.
I wasn’t wrong.
I was on my second beer when she walked in, looking like the same woman I married years ago. Her features more defined, she no longer had the body of a nineteen year-old, she had matured and she was still as beautiful as ever.
It made my heart ache when I saw her laugh and smile like she used to. The way she used to smile for me. But that was long gone, all I had to do now was try and win her back.
It was strange, Sookie and I had never been in Bon Temp together at the same time. She usually tried to stay away from here, usually because she didn’t like the way people would talk about her, and within good reason too, these people were nothing but snakes.
The snide comments I heard from a few of the people here did not go unnoticed by my ears though. Every now and then I would take a few glimpses back at Sookie to see how she was handling herself. I knew she was a grown adult woman, but to this day I still worried for her. I still wanted to punch them and let them know that Sookie is far better, and will always be better than them.
Suddenly, while I was ordering my third beer I heard a loud slap. Heads turned to the source and Merlotte’s grew quiet. No doubt wanting to see the commotion, I shrugged it off, not wanting to pay any attention to it since it was none of my business, but once I heard Sookie’s voice I too turned my head to see what was going on.
Sookie was yelling at both Arlene and Maxine. Her face was red with anger and her eyes took on a fury I had never seen before.
“–and I don’t have children because your crazy, lousy, good for nothing husband killed my baby, when he decided to get into a car when he was drunk. “
I felt like a bucket of ice cold water was dropped over my head.
“Killed my baby”
The words echoed in my mind, and a million thoughts ran through my head. I was in shock. Was that the reason Sookie left me? Because she was pregnant?
But before I could spetaculate further on the subject, I watched as Sookie’s mood changed, she didn’t look so well, and then she fell to her knees I rushed over to help her. I called her name out but she would no longer hear me out, she had blacked out.
I had refused to call an ambulance and instead decided to take Sookie to the Shreveport Hospital, where she was looked at by Doctor Ludwig.
“She had an anxiety attack it seems.” Said the tiny Doctor, “I told her to be careful but she wouldn’t listen. Has she gone to see a therapist yet?”
“I don’t know.” I said, suddenly angry that Sookie would keep these things from me. The tiny Doctor had explained to me that Sookie was in a car accident, where she was hit by a drunk driver and she was pregnant. I had no idea that this had happened and I was really furious with her for keeping that from me.
“I told her to go see a therapist after her car accident, years ago. That foolish child.”
I said nothing in response to Ludwig, and I watched the tiny Doctor work her magic. She checked Sookie a few times and looked me over.
“She’s going to be fine. Make sure she sees a damn therapist when she gets out of here. I will let her go tomorrow once she is well rested.”
After waiting for a while for her to wake up, I had fallen asleep, I had sat down next to her bed, and rested my head on her bed.
I didn’t know how many minutes or hours had passed, but I felt soft, gentle hands running through my hair, it was such a gentle touch and I relished it. Once I realized I wasn’t dreaming, I lifted my head up, Sookie looked back down at me, the same gentle look she used to give me when we were together.
“You’re awake.” We both said at the same time. Sookie retracted her hand from me, but I grabbed it. I wouldn’t let her off so easily this time.
“Good.” I said. “Why don’t you tell me what all of this is about? Doctor Ludwig told me you needed to see a Therapist, you were yelling at Arlene about your baby dying.—So tell me, Sookie what have you been hiding from me?”
She was definitely conflicted with me. She looked away for a minute, took a deep breath and finally spoke.
“I was going to tell you tonight actually, but Arlene pissed me off. She had no right to speak like that to me, I was so pissed at her and —well anyways…on the day you left for Sweden we had an argument, I asked you for the possibility of children, and you told me that they were nothing but a distraction and you said you didn’t want any.
But I was already pregnant.” I opened my mouth to say something to her, but she stopped me. So I let her continue.
“I was already pregnant and I was hormonal and I was emotional. I went to see Gran out in Bon Temp that day. Minutes before entering Bon Temp I was hit by a drunk driver. He came out alright, but I didn’t. My car flipped over and I lost my baby, Eric.”
Regardless of her confession, I was still so angry at her for keeping me in the dark about this.
“Arlene’s husband came out just fine, but I didn’t! I lost my baby and guess what?” She said trying to hold in her tears which were already threatening to spill. “I can’t have anymore, I lost my chance and it’s gone. I can’t be a mother Eric, that accident had consequences and I’m sterile. “ She choked back a sob, when I went to touch her hand to comfort her she pulled away from her.
“The reason I left is because I blamed you so much for this. You left for nearly a month, and we barely spoke during that time. You barely called, and I didn’t have the courage to tell you what went on, because I felt betrayed by you. You left me, and I needed someone, I needed my husband, but you…..but you hadn’t acted like a husband to me during that time. You were married to your stupid job.”
I wanted to reach out to her, to tell her everything was okay, but how could I? She was right, I didn’t act like her husband. I focused so much on my work life that I put Sookie, secondary in my life. She should have never felt that way. But I never made it clear to her why I never wanted any children.
It made my heart ache at the revelation that she couldn’t have anymore children
“So…you left me.” I said finally. Because once when I returned home, she had packed her bags and left me, and it hurt so fucking much. It still hurts even now.
“I did.” She said.
How I wish I could make it all up to her, but I then realized that Sookie was still hurt even after all this time. I couldn’t turn back time to fix my errors. If I had been there, maybe things would be different. If I had cared more about her than my own job things may have been different. But dwelling on the past wasn’t going to get me anywhere.
“Do you still blame me?”
“Sometimes I do.”
“Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you tell me you were in a car accident? By Arlene’s husband no less? I would have had him in jail for a lifetime if I could! ” If I had to find that man and somehow get him into jail then I would.
“How was I supposed to know that, Eric? How was I supposed to know how you truly felt, when you wouldn’t even give me any of your time? Do you know what it feels like to lose a child? Do you know what its like, wishing that you were there with me, because I still loved you? No matter what I loved you and I needed you and you weren’t there, what else was I supposed to do?” By now there were tears in her eyes, and I willed myself to look away because if there’s one thing I could not bear, was to see Sookie cry.
“Fine.” I said.
“Tomorrow, I will have the divorce documents ready. Once that is done and over with…I will stay out of your life…for good.”